Why We Lie to Ourselves

Lies are easy. It’s easy to pretend your problems are someone else’s fault. It’s easy to pretend when things don’t go your way, that it’s the other party’s fault. We tell ourselves many lies to get through the day. Being honest is very challenging, and it’s especially hard to be honest with ourselves.

The Comfortable Cocoon of Self-Deception #

Self-deception takes many forms, some subtle, others quite obvious when viewed from the outside:

• “I would exercise regularly if I just had more time” (while spending hours scrolling social media)
• “I’m not advancing in my career because my boss doesn’t recognize my talent” (rather than acknowledging skill gaps)
• “I’m just being direct and honest” (when really being unkind or tactless)
• “I could quit drinking/smoking/gambling anytime I want” (despite repeated failed attempts)
• “I’m not attracted to them anyway” (after being rejected)
• “I’m just having one more cookie and then I’ll stop” (before finishing the package)

It’s easy to pretend you’re smarter than you are, or you know better than others, or you’re more emotionally secure than you actually are, or you’re more confident in your skin than you actually are. You could call these self-confidence cons, that we use as psychological tricks to help us get on with the reality that we’re all mostly mediocre, not special, and just like everyone else. Some are more lucky than others, but nobody is special.

Why Evolution Favors Self-Deception #

Interestingly, our tendency toward self-deception may have evolutionary roots. Research in evolutionary psychology suggests several reasons why natural selection might favor individuals who can effectively deceive themselves:

1. Convincing Others: When we truly believe our own lies, we display fewer physical signs of deception (nervousness, inconsistent details), making our falsehoods more convincing to others.

2. Reduced Cognitive Load: Acknowledging uncomfortable truths requires mental energy. Self-deception allows us to bypass this energy expense.

3. Confidence Enhancement: Overestimating our abilities can lead to attempting challenging tasks we might otherwise avoid, occasionally resulting in unexpected success.

4. Social Cohesion: Some shared self-deceptions (like certain cultural or religious beliefs) help bind groups together, enhancing cooperation and survival.

So while self-deception might seem irrational, it may have served us well throughout human evolution. The problem is that what helped our ancestors survive on the savanna isn’t necessarily what helps us thrive in modern society.

The Price of Self-Deception #

Despite its short-term comforts, self-deception carries significant costs:

• It prevents genuine growth and learning from mistakes
• It damages relationships when others see the truth we refuse to acknowledge
• It leads to poor decision-making based on false premises
• It creates a disconnect between our perceived and actual selves, fostering insecurity
• It robs us of the opportunity to love and accept our authentic selves

It takes a lot of courage and strength to look closely at yourself, and recognize your faults. It takes even more strength to acknowledge those faults, work toward improving them, and in other cases learning to let it go and just accept yourself for what you are.

What We Can and Cannot Change #

There’s much we can change about ourselves: you can improve your diet, exercise more, be more kind to others, put more effort into maintaining relationships. But, at the same time, there’s much we can’t change: our skin colour or racial makeup, who our parents are, which genetalia we were born with, and the degree to which society and culture influences who we are.

The wisdom lies in distinguishing between these categories and focusing our energy on what’s within our control. This balance between self-improvement and self-acceptance is perhaps life’s most delicate dance.

Maybe you want to “rise above” it all and reach Giga Brain Enlightenment status on another plain somewhere in the metaverse of your mind, but eventually you have to remember you’re just a person who needs to go to the grocery store and stock up on coffee so you can get on with your day tomorrow.

The Root of Self-Deception #

I started with the bottom line of this post up front: we lie to ourselves because it makes life a bit easier. It allows us to avoid confronting ourselves, how we treat others, and our excuses for not improving ourselves where we can.

But beyond ease, we lie to protect our self-image. Our brains are constantly working to maintain a coherent narrative about who we are. When facts contradict this narrative, the discomfort (what psychologists call “cognitive dissonance”) can be intense. Rather than rewrite the entire story of ourselves, we often find it easier to reinterpret or ignore contradictory information.

Practicing Radical Honesty #

Perhaps, as a mental exercise, try getting through the day without telling yourself any lies during your inner dialogue sessions. It may reveal things about yourself that you hadn’t considered before, offering another path for self improvement that you can lie to yourself about until you choose to stop.

Some specific practices to foster greater self-honesty:

1. Morning reflection: Before starting your day, ask yourself what uncomfortable truths you’ve been avoiding.

2. Accountability partner: Share your goals and challenges with someone who will call out your excuses and rationalizations.

3. Journaling: Write freely without editing, then review what you’ve written for signs of self-deception.

4. The “why” chain: When you make a claim about yourself, ask “why?” five times in succession to dig deeper into your true motivations.

5. Feedback openness: Actively seek constructive criticism and resist the urge to immediately defend yourself.

6. Meditation: Regular mindfulness practice creates space between thoughts and reactions, allowing you to observe your mind’s deceptive patterns.

The paradox is that genuine self-acceptance becomes possible only when we stop lying to ourselves. We cannot truly accept what we refuse to acknowledge.

A Personal Note #

I suppose this post falls under the category of self-help BS, but my brain sometimes produces these thoughts, and occasionally I write it down, perhaps as an act of therapy. And for some reason, people keep emailing me telling me they enjoying reading them, so I keep writing them.

Perhaps there’s something universal in these reflections. We’re all engaged in the same struggle to see ourselves clearly while maintaining enough self-compassion to get through the day. The fact that you’re reading this suggests you’re already more committed to self-honesty than most. That’s not a small thing.

The path to self-awareness isn’t about achieving perfect honesty overnight—it’s about catching yourself in moments of self-deception and gently, persistently, turning toward the truth. One small lie at a time, recognized and released.