High Hopes, Low Expectations

Although I have written about this idea before, I feel like it’s one worth elaborating on. We live in an age of instant gratification, which I think leaves us often feeling underwhelmed. In most cases, this disappointment is due to our expectations being too high.

The conclusion I’ve come to is less glamorous: lower your expectations. You might hear that and think “why should I lower my standards?”, and I’ll try to make the case for why you should.

Research supports this approach. A 2014 study published in the Journal of Positive Psychology found that people who set lower expectations experienced greater satisfaction with outcomes than those with high expectations¹. Another study from University College London discovered that happiness depends not on how well things are going, but whether they’re going better than expected².

The Liberation of Lower Expectations #

When I keep my expectations low, ordinary stuff lands better. A decent meal feels decent instead of like a letdown because it wasn’t transcendent. A movie can just be fun. I end up noticing the small wins more.

I used to think expecting less sounded like settling. Now it feels more like admitting that most things are flawed and that demanding perfection is a good way to stay irritated all the time.

Psychologists call this “expectation management” — a mental technique that has been shown to reduce anxiety and increase satisfaction. According to research from Harvard Medical School, when expectations are managed properly, the brain releases dopamine not just when something good happens, but when something better than expected happens³.

The Social Media Perfection Trap #

To what degree it’s the result of the Instagram/TikTok era we live in, I’m not sure, but I do think that we’re all a little too obsessed with perfection. We’re constantly bombarded with images of people living their best lives, and it’s easy to feel like we’re missing out. What people post on the Internet is generally the highlight reel of their lives, not the behind-the-scenes footage.

The statistics are telling: Americans check their phones an average of 144 times per day — roughly once every 10 minutes⁴. A 2023 study from the University of Pennsylvania found that limiting social media use to 30 minutes per day led to significant reductions in loneliness and depression⁵.

Mediocrity is also kind of great when you think about it. Think of it as the middle ground between the unobtainable (perfection) and the undesirable (failure). It’s the sweet spot where you can be content with what you have while still striving for something better, if you want.

Escaping the Hedonic Treadmill #

In a hypercapitalist world, most of the messaging we receive through the various media outlets pushes us toward consumption and dissatisfaction. We’re encouraged to run the hedonic treadmill like a hungry bear is chasing us and the only way to escape is to buy more stuff and take more vacations (be sure to post the best photos, of course).

The hedonic treadmill, or hedonic adaptation, describes how humans quickly return to a relatively stable level of happiness despite major positive or negative events. Research from Princeton University famously found that beyond an annual income of around $75,000 (adjusted for inflation, about $99,000 in 2024), additional income doesn’t significantly improve emotional well-being⁶.

To me this sounds exhausting: I just want to enjoy my life, spend time with my friends and family, and do work that I find meaningful.

What Actually Matters #

What matters to me is pretty basic: time with my friends and family, a few people who really know me, some quiet, and not constantly feeling like I need more. Learning to like yourself as you are, flaws included, is a big part of that.

Studies consistently show that practicing gratitude is strongly correlated with greater happiness. One study from UC Davis asked participants to write a few sentences each week, focusing on particular topics. One group wrote about things they were grateful for, a second group wrote about daily irritations, and a third wrote about events that had affected them. After 10 weeks, those who wrote about gratitude were more optimistic, felt better about their lives, and even exercised more and had fewer physician visits than those who focused on irritations⁷.

The Power of Detachment #

Since I adopted the “high hopes, low expectations” mantra I’ve found that I’m a lot less outcome dependent. It’s much easier to practice detachment when you’re not overly invested in the outcome. I still care, I just don’t need every situation to go my way to feel okay. Most things won’t, and most of them were never mine to control anyway.

We have very little agency in life, and there are very few things that are completely within our own personal sphere of influence. The things we can control are how we react to the daily events, how we treat others, and how we treat ourselves. Everything else is largely out of our hands.

This philosophy aligns with ancient Stoic wisdom. Epictetus wrote, “Make the best use of what is in your power, and take the rest as it happens.”

Practical Application #

I may be beating a dead horse at this point, but I think it’s a message worth pondering. So perhaps the next time you go to a restaurant, don’t expect the best meal of your life. Instead, expect a decent meal and be pleasantly surprised if it’s great. If you go into a movie with low expectations, you might find that you enjoy it more than you thought you would. If you go on a date with low expectations, you might find that you have a great time.

I still hope things go well. I just try not to load every meal, movie, date, or plan with so much expectation that it has no chance of feeling good in real life.