Feel Bad Feels

A lot of effort goes into avoiding bad feelings. While uncomfortable emotions are generally unpleasant, focusing solely on avoiding them might miss the bigger picture. What if we focused instead on building resilience—the ability to bounce back from difficult emotions and navigate through challenging times with the same effectiveness as we do the good ones?

The Resilience Deficit #

Although speculative, there seems to be a societal shift away from teaching resilience toward eliminating anything that might cause discomfort. Take bullying: rather than equipping children with tools to handle difficult people, we often focus exclusively on eliminating bullying. While this is certainly a worthy goal, it might not fully prepare young people for life’s inevitable challenges.

The adult world offers few protections against difficult personalities and situations. Learning to navigate these challenges early builds crucial life skills.

Learning from Nature’s Resilience #

Nature provides an interesting perspective. When wild animals face injury or illness, they must either heal or succumb—there’s no emergency response system for a deer with a broken leg. While I’m certainly not suggesting we abandon modern healthcare, this example highlights how insulation from all hardship might be at odds with developing natural resilience.

Consider immunity to common illnesses: exposure helps develop resistance. This principle underlies vaccination—controlled exposure builds immunity without severe illness. The hygiene hypothesis suggests that our increasingly sterile environments might actually contribute to rising allergy and autoimmune disease rates. Research published in the New England Journal of Medicine indicates that children raised on farms with regular exposure to diverse microorganisms have approximately 30% lower rates of allergies and asthma.¹ Perhaps this principle extends beyond just physical health.

The Science of Stress Inoculation #

Psychological research supports this view. Studies show that moderate stress exposure, when followed by recovery periods, can build emotional resilience—a concept psychologists call “stress inoculation” or “antifragility.” Research has demonstrated that individuals who experienced some lifetime adversity reported better mental health outcomes and higher life satisfaction compared to those who faced either no adversity or overwhelming challenges.²

Digital Resilience in the Age of Social Media #

This perspective might help us reconsider how we approach online discourse. While the internet certainly has toxic elements, developing the ability to engage thoughtfully with different viewpoints—or simply disengage from unhelpful interactions—builds valuable skills. Instead of focusing solely on controlling the environment, we might also cultivate our internal resources.

Digital wellness often comes down to personal boundaries. If certain platforms consistently undermine your wellbeing, consider limiting exposure or curating your feed more carefully. These small acts of self-regulation build resilience muscles. A study in the Journal of Social and Clinical Psychology found that participants who actively managed their social media consumption reported a reduction in anxiety symptoms compared to control groups.³

Teaching Response over Control #

We can’t control others’ behavior—difficult people will always exist—but we can develop how we respond. This isn’t about blaming victims of genuine harassment but recognizing our capacity to strengthen our response to life’s challenges.

For children facing bullying, this balanced approach is crucial. While we should absolutely work to create safer environments, simultaneously teaching coping strategies prepares young people for future challenges when adult protection may not be available. The Collaborative for Academic, Social, and Emotional Learning (CASEL) reports that students who receive explicit instruction in emotional regulation and social problem-solving show 11% better academic performance and 9% fewer behavioral problems.⁴

The Transformative Power of Overcoming Adversity #

There’s also something transformative about overcoming difficulties. The contrast between struggle and success creates a meaningful life narrative. As researcher Brené Brown notes in her book “Rising Strong,” resilience often emerges from our most vulnerable moments.⁵ In a longitudinal study spanning 15 years, researchers at the University of North Carolina found that 71% of individuals who successfully navigated significant life challenges reported that these experiences ultimately led to positive personal growth.⁶

Next time you’re facing challenges, consider viewing them not just as obstacles but as opportunities to strengthen your resilience muscles.

By learning to navigate both comfortable and uncomfortable emotions with equal skill, we develop a fuller human experience—one that embraces the complete spectrum of what it means to be alive.