Defining Success

When most people talk about success, they’re usually referring to the accumulation of money, power, or material possessions. A bigger house, a fancier car, an advanced degree from a prestigious university, a high-paying job with an impressive title. Maybe you’re so successful that you’ve retired from your day job and now you spend your time doing high-profile non-profit work, partly to impress your friends.

These common markers of success never quite resonated with me. When I think about truly successful people, my mind goes to my mother. She never had a college degree, but she raised a family, built a loving home, and somehow managed to keep a smile on her face even through a long, difficult battle with cancer.

My mom was, by my measure, a profoundly successful woman. While certainly not perfect, she was fundamentally a giver. Towards the people she cared about, she was incredibly generous and thoughtful. She embodied qualities I admire and aspire to. These are things I wish I’d told her more often while she was alive.

The Limits of Conventional Success #

Picture yourself on your deathbed. Will you be tallying your net worth, counting your conquests, or scrolling through your social media followers? Probably not. More likely, you’ll wish you’d spent more quality time with loved ones and less time chasing the next promotion. The square footage of your house or the zero-to-sixty time of your car will seem utterly irrelevant.

A striking historical example is the Russian author Leo Tolstoy. Despite his immense literary success and wealth, Tolstoy experienced a profound existential crisis later in life. In his memoir A Confession, he describes how, after achieving fame and fortune, he found himself questioning the meaning of life and the value of his accomplishments. Ultimately, Tolstoy found greater fulfillment not in accolades or possessions, but in simple living, spiritual growth, and his relationships with others. His journey is a powerful reminder that external success often fails to satisfy our deeper needs for meaning and connection.

What most people truly want, I believe, is to be surrounded by people they love and who love them back, and to know they made a positive difference in those people’s lives. In this, my mom was a champion. She was enveloped in love until the very end. This echoes findings from decades of research, like the Harvard Study of Adult Development, which consistently shows that strong, positive relationships are the single biggest predictor of long-term happiness, health, and even longevity¹. One participant in the study, who had achieved great professional success, reflected late in life that his most cherished memories were not of career milestones, but of time spent with family and friends. Psychiatrist George Vaillant, who directed the study for decades, famously summarized its findings: “Happiness is love. Full stop.” This real-life example from a landmark study underscores the enduring importance of relationships over material achievements.

It turns out there’s a scientific reason why chasing bigger houses and faster cars often feels unsatisfying. Psychologists call it the “hedonic treadmill”²³. We quickly adapt to positive changes in our lives–a raise, a new car, a bigger house. The initial thrill fades, we return to our baseline happiness level, and we start craving the next thing to get that temporary boost. We overestimate how much happiness these external achievements will bring, trapping ourselves in a cycle of desire and adaptation. The only way off this treadmill isn’t to run faster, but to fundamentally rethink what we’re chasing.

The Necessary Illusions? #

Of course, let’s be real. These traditional markers of success aren’t entirely divorced from reality. We need money to survive in the modern world. We need shelter, food, clothing, and a way to get around. In that sense, striving for financial stability and a comfortable life isn’t inherently flawed.

Maybe the problem isn’t the pursuit itself, but the expectations we attach to it. Perhaps I shouldn’t be so quick to dismiss someone else’s pride in their big house or fancy degree. If that’s their definition of accomplishment, good for them. They likely worked hard for it. Ultimately, success is a personal definition. While research suggests the happiness boost from higher income tends to diminish significantly after a certain point (though maybe not plateau entirely)⁴, feeling secure and capable is undeniably important.

(And hey, if we must play the comparison game, consider this: a single New York City subway car costs roughly $2 million. A full train has 8-10 cars. So, my daily commute vehicle? Easily worth $16-20 million. Take that, luxury sedan!)

The crucial point isn’t whether wanting these things is “bad,” but understanding why we want them. Are you buying that shiny new gadget because it genuinely enhances your life, or because you hope it will make others think your life is better? Are you pursuing that promotion for the challenge and growth, or for the perceived status it confers?

Choosing Your Own Compass #

The antidote to chasing external validation is, perhaps paradoxically, a healthy dose of selfishness—not the harmful kind, but the kind that prioritizes your own internal compass. Stop worrying so much about what society, your parents, or your Instagram feed tells you success looks like, and start tuning into what truly matters to you.

I know I’ve wasted far too much energy trying to live up to others' expectations. It’s a futile exercise; our obsession with how others perceive us looms far larger in our own minds than it does in anyone else’s.

Figuring out what you genuinely care about is the real challenge. It’s rarely obvious, and it inevitably shifts over time. Your priorities at 15 were likely different from your priorities now, and they’ll change again in another 10, 20, or 30 years. This capacity for growth and evolving interests is itself a source of richness; studies link lifelong learning and curiosity directly to greater well-being and life satisfaction⁵⁶. As I like to say, you should always be learning.

However, a good rule of thumb is to optimize for the present. Tomorrow isn’t guaranteed. Today is all you truly have.

Focusing on the present also shifts our attention outward, from what we can accumulate to how we can connect and contribute.

Give vs. Get: Shifting the Focus #

Another lens through which to view success is the balance between giving and getting. Society often emphasizes accumulation–what can I get? But my mom exemplified the power of giving. She was thoughtful and generous, sometimes to a fault.

This isn’t just sentiment; research backs it up. Engaging in prosocial behaviors— acts of kindness, volunteering, contributing to a cause—provides significant psychological rewards. Giving enhances mood, fosters a sense of purpose, strengthens social bonds, and contributes to lasting life satisfaction⁷⁸.

Grand gestures can be nice, but don’t underestimate the power of small, consistent acts of kindness, especially those that cost nothing but time or attention. They often feel more authentic than grand gestures, which can sometimes carry hidden expectations or manipulative undertones.

The Underrated Success of Presence #

In our hyper-connected, overstimulated world, simply being present is an increasingly rare and valuable skill. You might be tired of hearing me lament our collective phone addiction, but I see it less as an addiction to the device itself and more as a symptom of deeper unease. We often reach for our phones not just to escape uncomfortable thoughts or feelings in the immediate moment, but also as a subtle way to avoid confronting whether our current path aligns with our internal values, defaulting instead to the easier distraction of external metrics or validation. It’s a subconscious flight from the present moment and from authentic self-assessment.

Constantly planning the next vacation, obsessing over the next purchase, or strategizing how to impress others pulls us away from experiencing our actual lives. As I often say, you can’t find lasting happiness if you’re incapable of finding contentment right here, right now, with who you are and where you are. That exotic vacation provides a temporary rush, but the novelty fades. You bring yourself, and your internal state, wherever you go. Homeostasis always reasserts itself.

Perhaps I take it to an extreme, but these days, my greatest luxury is often having nowhere specific to be and nothing urgent to do. Instead of a fancy restaurant, I genuinely prefer quality time with my dogs and cooking at home. Instead of jetting off somewhere, I prefer wandering through an unfamiliar part of my city on foot, using one of my vintage Japanese cameras to capture unexpected moments of beauty.

Try sitting on a park bench without your phone. Read a physical book. People-watch. Instead of dreaming of a five-star hotel, what small changes could make your own home feel more like a sanctuary?

Ask yourself: Are you taking that trip for the genuine experience, or for the social media bragging rights? Are you visiting the museum out of real interest, or to cultivate an image of sophistication? Are you reading that book because it fascinates you, or because it’s on some “must-read” list that you think will impress others?

Being present means engaging authentically with yourself and your surroundings. It means aligning your actions with your values, not performing for an imaginary audience. True success isn’t about convincing others you’re successful; it’s about cultivating a life that feels genuinely good and meaningful to you. Research consistently links mindfulness and presence with reduced stress, better emotional regulation, and increased overall well-being⁹.

Practical Steps Toward Authentic Success #

How do you start shifting towards a more personally meaningful definition of success? One simple, powerful tool is self-reflection. Regularly ask yourself: “Why am I doing this? Is it truly for me, or is it primarily about how others will perceive it?”

Are you going to that party because you genuinely want to connect with people, or out of obligation? Do you need that expensive upgrade, or are you trying to keep up with the Joneses (who are probably just as insecure as you are)?

Noticing the patterns in your motivations is the first step. This creates a positive feedback loop: the more you align your actions with your authentic desires, the better you’ll feel, reinforcing the desire to be true to yourself.

Writing things down remains one of the best ways to untangle your thoughts. You don’t need a public blog; a private journal works wonders. Try writing about your motivations, your evolving goals, and what your unique definition of success looks like right now. The very act of articulating these ideas clarifies them.

There’s extensive research confirming the positive impact of journaling on mental health and well-being. Studies, including systematic reviews and controlled trials, consistently show that various forms of journaling—like expressive writing (exploring thoughts and feelings about stressful events) or gratitude journaling—can significantly reduce symptoms of anxiety, depression, and general psychological distress¹⁰¹¹. The simple act of translating emotional turmoil into words seems to facilitate processing and offers a path towards greater emotional clarity.

Beyond mood improvement, journaling is linked to enhanced emotional regulation, increased resilience, and greater self-awareness¹². By regularly engaging with your internal landscape on paper, you create an opportunity to identify patterns, challenge unhelpful thoughts, and consciously cultivate a more mindful and present state. Some studies even suggest tangible physical benefits, possibly linked to stress reduction, like improved immune function or faster recovery times¹³. It’s a powerful, low-cost tool for understanding yourself and navigating life’s complexities.

Redefining the Finish Line #

My personal definition of success clearly differs from the mainstream. I recognize that for many, buying a first home or achieving a certain career milestone represents a significant and valid form of success. That’s perfectly okay. Many probably view my perspective—seeing jobs and houses primarily as means rather than ends—as eccentric, bordering on insane.

But regardless of where you currently stand, I invite you to take some time to genuinely reflect: What does success truly mean to you, beneath the societal noise? The more you clarify your own definition, the less power external opinions will hold, and the freer you’ll be to build a life that feels authentically rich and fulfilling.

Start living by your own definition of success, and stop worrying what others think.